In preparation for my upcoming high school reunion I have tuned Pandora in to the Rod Stewart channel (for some reason he was our heart throb in the 80’s – some things cannot be explained.) As you may know, Pandora stations don’t play all one artist and they mix in other tunes from the era. Enter Fleetwood Mac…..
After sleeping in until 8 (because I can) I turned on the music to get me motivated for the day. I thought about how nice it is to be able to sleep in and not have kids to get off to school and be in control of my schedule (clients from 11am-8:30pm – just in case you thought I was slacking).
Then….sitting there sipping my coffee, mixing up my green smoothie, along comes Stevie Nicks and the song Landslide. What a wave of emotion…I was bawling just standing there. I’m not sure I’ve ever really listened to the words:
Well I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older too
I was standing in the kitchen that we remodeled after we bought the house, where we raised our kids from ages 8 and 10. I remembered spending so much time at the local diner, during the kitchen construction, that the owner “Bob” knows my order by heart ten years later and was shocked recently when my adult daughter told him she would eat tomatoes.
Yesterday my son who lives in California sent me a text “I miss y’all I’m trying to plan a work vacation soon I’ll get back to you when I have details.” My daughter, who is at college in Tennessee, shared her own triumphs for the day as well “I’m good, had some food and did my homework…I’m tired going to bed..love you.” A tinge of sadness that they weren’t tucked in safely upstairs arrived but I brushed it off.
But then, the next day, as I took a sip of coffee in my otherwise quiet house Stevie Nicks words got to me and I realized how much I actually miss them. No amount of rational thought about how this is the life cycle or how proud I am of them both could stop the raw emotion of sadness in not having them in my daily life anymore.
I’ve been pretty stoic about my kids leaving home. I prepared for it by returning to school while they were in high school and going back to work as they entered college (yes….to pay the tuition bills…but also to fill my time.) Because I did “build my life around” them and now my job is to let them go. But to tell the truth, I really do miss them a whole heart full and to the moon and back and to eternity and beyond.
Mindfulness has taught me to acknowledge and ride the wave of emotions. So I stood there, looking out at the yard where my kids played and listened to Stevie Nicks and cried. They were happy and sad tears with smiles and chuckles mixed in. The emotion finally broke through after the years of stoicism at graduations, departures, missed holidays and lonely afternoons with no driving to do.
As I write this the waves of emotions are calming and I’m starting to get my equilibrium back. No Stevie..the landslide will not bring you down…it will pass, just let it roll through and over you and enjoy it. You can prepare all you want and ignoring it won’t make it go away, it will get you as you stand in the kitchen sipping your coffee one cold February morning.
Now playing…Hotel California. Smiles returning, I will dance it out.